Infertility sucks, dude.
Not only is it becoming a more common phenomenon, but we literally don't even know how to talk about it. What the actual fuck.
In 2018, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure.
Also called primary ovarian insufficiency, POI basically means I'm post-menopausal, probably don't have viable eggs, and don't produce estrogen or progesterone - hormones you need to make babies, obvi. Some women still have occasional periods and may even get pregnant. In most cases, like mine, the cause is unknown.
First of all, fuck whoever named this condition because it sounds like I failed at something. I probably didn't - but since the cause is unknown - I'll never actually know, which is equally scary and annoying.
I didn't realize how much fear, guilt, and shame there was around infertility until it happened to me. One of the most alienating things in life is dealing with a chronic medical condition. And then you layer on all the ridiculous bullshit and societal expectations heaped on women to become mothers. Fuck that.
Life isn't fair. It just is.
I used to be afraid of being alone. Let's be honest; I was afraid of dying alone. I was so scared that no one would truly understand and love me that I put my value and self-worth in other people's hands.
Until my diagnosis, I lived my life for other people. I thought my life's purpose was to change the world by helping people. I thought that if everyone liked me, I would someday like myself.
But I realized three things:
Trying to please everyone is impossible and will probably kill you.
Helping and healing yourself is the kindest thing you can do for others.
Being alone can be a source of healing and strength.
I'm sharing my journey because learning and sharing what I know helps me heal, build confidence, and feel less alone. So I'm mainly doing this for me, lol. But also for all the women who feel alone, afraid, ashamed, and guilty for not being enough.
